AS MEDIA STUDIES, CIE FINAL PORTFOLIO. BY: ALY ALTAF.

My Biggest Fear (I think).

A couple of hours ago, I was having this late-night conversation with my bestie where he asked me what my biggest fear was. 

Thing is, I always try avoiding questions like these, but when they come up and I start thinking about them, I really can't stop thinking. I go in this (metaphorical) coma where I can't productively do anything I'm supposed to do, but my mind is whirring at the speed of light. Then, when I'm done thinking, I think even more; just that this time, I can actually do stuff in the physical world, which is my condition right now. 

So anyway, when my friend asked me what my biggest fear was, I went into a coma. When I came to, I realized a ton of stuff about me, the most important of which is this: I'm afraid of getting lost. 

When I say "getting lost" I mean a couple of things. Firstly, that I'm scared shitless of getting lost in the way people normally do. Like, in new places. I just hate wandering around alone, with no one familiar in sight, and that self-loathing feeling of helplessness. Which probably explains why I'm the fun, but annoying gay guy at local scout camps, where everyone is my homie (not really), and the silent/drunk-on-self guy at camps where I don't know people, and have to feel dependent on them. 

The second thing I mean, is getting lost in the deep-ass way: getting lost from people's minds, from their thoughts, from their conversations… from their lives. 

Ever since I was a lil' kid, I've always loved attention, not in the attention-whore kind of way where people think of me as such; but in the celebrity kind of way, not unlike Kim Kardashian who, when she got her sex tape leaked, had people talking about how big of a slut she was, but not about whether she was a slut for dicks, or attention. 

As far back as I can remember, I've always been like that: craving attention; wanting more, and never getting enough of it to quech my undying thirst for being alive in people's thoughts. And just like a wealthy person can't ever let go of the fear of losing their wealth, so can I never stop thinking of what would happen if I didn't have the attention I required to function normally. And what I think my life would be like without my fuel, scares me to death. 

This is probably why I've always been afraid of the sea, and of the night sky plus swimming pools, rooms, parking lots and fields if they're big and empty. I fear getting lost, being alone, not being alive-as such, and in people's lives. I fear myself, for I could do anything, anytime, anywhere that would get me lost. 

Aly Awadia. 

Me.

I've been trying continuously for the past fifteen minutes to write something about me that isn't too freaky, deep, or boring; and I've come to a conclusion: ask me to bitch about someone, and I won't even wet my lips before talking. Ask me about me, however, and I'm at a loss for words. I'm a fucking conundrum, is what I am. Like seriously, I'm not even kidding. 

The main reason I gave birth to this blog, is so that I'd have somewhere in this world to go, and be real. Not the usual me; which is either an extremely sugary, fabulously awesome guy who everyone wants to be best friends with, or a brutally honest fucktard who people can't help but hate. This blog has been brought into existence so that I can be real. Not an ounce of fake. Just pure, wholesome me. 

I could really go on about me (not really) but I'd rather go sleep, seeing as how it's 05:21 AM, and I have to wake up at 09:00 AM sharp, to go to my old school to pick up my younger brother's midterm result with my mom (and brag shamelessly to my former teachers about how I'm such a popular person in my A-level school, and how wrong they were when they said I'd be a failure in the friend-making department as a teen). 

Aly Awadia.